The other day a YouTube video popped up from a well-known social media influencer on the subject of abuse in marriage. The overall nature of it was “try to work it out” with a spouse since the Bible says divorce is for adultery. So I want to address this.
Yes, the Bible says in Mt 19 that divorce is permissible for when there is adultery. In fact the Greek word is porneia which means sexual adultery and is where we get the word “porn” from.
But does that mean that it is the ONLY reason for divorce? I definitely want to get to address that as we go through Matthew but as of today I’m in Matthew 5. So it’s coming. But consider this
If someone were to pick up the book of Matthew, they might think it was the only permissible reason. But then if someone sometime later picked up a scroll of Corinthians, they would also read that if an unbeliever wants to leave the marriage, let him/her go.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Cor 7:15)
The context is clearly divorce when permission is given for the unbeliever leaving. So if we read only in Matthew, we would think there is ONLY one reason. But then if we read in Corinthians, we see that there is more than one situation.
And look at the phrase that is left out – “He has called us to live in peace.”
Granted, that can be a dangerous word as every marriage has seasons where it’s not so peaceful. And people may use this as an excuse for an exit. There has to be great caution here.
But when it comes to physical abuse, the Bible says nothing. It’s just not a situation that was addressed. Yet there is Romans 1.
20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
This section in Romans 1 is talking about the clear godlessness and wickedness that can be observed through looking at nature. In particular this section is talking about the obvious nature of same gender relationships not being of God, and something that can be observed in nature. The two together cannot produce life but produce sickness and death.
In the same way we learn about relationships by observing nature in other areas as well. For example, can you name one creature that does not have a built-in self-defense mechanism? Whether it is a bite, a sting, a claw, camouflage, etc… Every creature on earth has an ability for self-defense. Why? Because God gave it to them for their survival and protection.
For humans, we too have self defense mechanisms. Our bodies and our abilities. But the main system God has given us in place for our protection is family.
When those systems are broken, God has tasked his people to step in to defend the defenseless. For example, with widows and orphans they become defenseless and God says to stand up, step in and help them. Their family system has broken and they are vulnerable. Do something.
“The Lord tears down the house of the proud, but He protects the property of widows.” Proverbs 15:25
27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27)
God is the protector of those whose systems of protection have been broken down. And he says that pure religion is to be like the Father, offering protection where that protection is broken down.
So when it comes to physically abused women (and yes, men are abused too but we will talk about that shortly), women have been overpowered by someone. The family system has broken and they are unable to protect themselves themselves. Their ability to self-protect has been overpowered and left them defenseless.
This is where a few things need to happen. Women need to LEAVE this situation. LEAVE!! Separate. Divorce if there is no change. But leave. You have a right to self-protection for you and your children.
It is also the responsibility of the church to help these women. If it is determined that there is physical abuse, it is up to the people of God to step in and help provide and protect these women. Help them to escape. Help them to get away. Shelter them and not just in some crummy, cheap, bed bug infested hotel. They need REAL help.
Way too many a pastor’s counsel has not helped and made things worse. They tell a woman she needs to submit to her husband. This violates her need for safety that is built in innately by God. They tell her she should try to work it out with her husband. But they don’t realize that a husband who is already hitting his wife is not going to be open to rational discussion, except to impress a pastor. This is not the time for discussion. It’s the time for her to leave.
What is said oftentimes from pastors has led to one too many woman being dead and in the grave. She believed based on bad counsel that God wanted her to stay and try to work it out. This is sickening.
Can you imagine a woman coming to Jesus with her face black and blue and limping, explaining her husband beat her to a pulp. And then Jesus saying, “You just need to submit to him. Try to work it out.” I don’t believe he would for a minute do this. Jesus was one of the greatest defenders of women and children in history.
We can observe from nature that God has given everyone the ability to protect themselves. They shouldn’t put themselves back in this situation. And when someone is vulnerable, the people of God need to move in to help.
There are so many more Scriptures that can support this.
- The Hebrew midwives lied to Pharaoh to protect the lives of innocent children. And God honored them for putting life about all things (Exodus 1).
- David escaped Saul when his life was in danger (1 Sam 19-24)
- “God desires mercy, not sacrifice.” (Mt 9:13)
- Jesus broke the Sabbath to be able to make sure his disciples were provided for with food for just a day. And then he said, ““The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” Mk 2:27, putting the genuine needs of humanity above steel, hard legalism.
- Jesus escaped violent men when they tried to kill him (prior to the cross) – Luke 4:28-30
So dear woman, if your husband hits you, leave. Separate. And if there is no change, divorce.
And dear Christian, if you know of a woman being abused. Do something to help her get out of that situation. This is not the time for passivity or legalism. It doesn’t mean harming the husband. It does mean helping the wife get out of this matter.
That leads to a bunch of other questions. Like what about emotional and verbal abuse? Honestly this can be more harmful than even physical abuse, and worse as it is less verifiable to those on the outside. We will get to that in a later post as it is much more complicated.
Then there’s the issue of women abusing men physically. Men too get abused. They get kicked, punched, spit upon, slapped and more. Worse, a man is expected to just take it. And to some extent, it’s true. It would be wrong if he returned the physical abuse. But for men, there is great shame and its emotional cut that runs deep when his wife abuses him.
But in some ways it is different. Because by nature men are typically stronger. They are able to physically defend themselves. When a man beats on a woman, it is life threatening.
Then what does it mean for a man? Should he leave if his wife is physically abusing him? If she is holding a weapon in her hand, then YES. Leave!! Separate. And if nothing changes, divorce.
What then if she is kicking him and spitting on him but his life is not in danger? He too has the right to defend himself and leave. Boundaries should be in place. This is not acceptable.
The very nature of things is that we have a right to self-defense.
Physical abuse is clearly wrong. It is not acceptable and should not be treated as such. The church. must change in how it handles abuse issues.
Now again I’m talking about physical abuse here. Emotional abuse is another issue that will be addressed later. But for now, I think we have strong scriptural testimony that
A) We have a right to self-defense. Leave and separate if there is abuse, and divorce if there is no change.
B) The church has a responsibility to protect and provide for those who are vulnerable, helping them to escape and get on their feet again
