Of course this isn’t the definitive answer of “why” someone struggles to leave the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, but the more I dive into the teaching and culture, the more I understand. It is excruciating for a Mormon to leave the church, more so than a Protestant or Catholic leaving. It’s more akin to a Muslim leaving their faith. In fact because of what I now know and understand, my respect for LDS who find the truth and leave has amped up considerably. It takes great courage.

Basically in Mormonism there is what I call the Great Exchange. This isn’t taught or known when a person gets baptized into the Mormon church for all practical purposes (notice I say baptized into the Mormon church and not baptized into Jesus–there is a difference). The good part for the new convert comes at first when the church “love bombs” them, then they are later taught the rules that go along with it. And for those who have grown up in the church, they know the rules, but so deeply enjoy the benefits that it becomes difficult to leave or see the truth.

The Great Exchange: The Rules (Spoken and Unspoken)

Mormonism does many incredible things and they are an extraordinary people. But there are the rules that are not healthy. So we will go over the rules first, and then the blessings later. But know that they do go together and are dependent and feed upon one another.

Rules:

1. Worthiness – You must strive for worthiness at all times. This is a foundation of the eternal gospel according to the LDS. One has to be worthy to get to the highest place of heaven which is called the Celestial heaven. Everyone wants to go there because this is the foundation of the Mormon teaching, primarily that families are forever. For women this is deeply appealing because it means that they get to be with their family forever. And for men this is also appealing because they are told they will have many wives and be gods of their own planets –lots of sex and power.
   
2. Time – To be worthy (and go to the highest place of heaven) you must give all of your time to the church. If you go through the temple you give an oath to the organization (not Jesus) to give all your time and talents. And then at the local level, they fill your time up with service and activities: fun activities (dances for youth), outings for everyone, Boy scouts, Girls activities, Relief society for women as they care for others and learn to be homemakers, events for men. It’s full and you are expected to be there. Not just encouraged but expected, and shamed and named a “Jack Mormon” if you don’t.
   
3. Service – This is called “callings.” If you are to be worthy, you must fulfill what is called a “calling.” A calling is when your bishop (equivalent to the church pastor/priest) or another says they have felt God tell them that you need to serve in such and such a place. They may say you are called to primary (young children’s Sunday school) or another thing, and even if you don’t like it, you have an expectation to do it because it is “God” calling you to do it. And you need to be worthy.
   
4. Money – To be worthy you need to give 10%. It isn’t really a suggestion. When you go to “worthiness” interviews, you need to be able to say you give 10%. If you don’t give that amount, then you can’t be “worthy” to go to the temple. And if you are not worthy to go to the temple, then you probably aren’t worthy enough to get to the highest place of heaven where families are forever.
   
5. Obedience to your leaders – You must attest that your leaders, especially the head prophet (kind of like the Pope) are anointed by God and speak to men on behalf of God. So what they say is what you must do. You must also regular attest that Joseph Smith is the prophet and that the latest prophet is the spokesmen for God.
   
6. Do not seek Answers Outside of What You’re Told– Your leaders will tell you what to believe. You are by no means to read any “anti-Mormon” literature. The thing is “anti-Mormon literature” is anything, and I mean anything that is not both published and endorsed by the LDS church organization. You are to read nothing that might not fully support the LDS church or even raise questions. For example the CES letter (click here) is all Mormon sources but is not sanctioned by the church, so whatever you do stay away! (Also note This is actually no problem for those who want to share with them as the most anti-Mormon literature is in some ways the Book of Mormon itself, the Gospel Topics Essays, the Journals of Discourse and the History of the Church, which are all LDS publications.)
   
7. Do not Think for yourself. No joking. There is a saying among the Mormon church, “When the prophet speaks, the thinking is done.” Or more historically accurate, “when the prophet speaks, the debate is over.” If one starts to ask too many questions, they are hinted at with excommunication.
   
8. Salvation (exaltation) is found only through the LDS church. Every religion, and I mean every one of them (including atheism) has truth claims of exclusivity. But in the Christian faith, Jesus is central. But for the LDS faith, the church organization is central. If you are in the church and found worthy, then salvation is yours. If you leave the church or are excommunicated, you are forfeiting your eternal soul. For exaltation to the highest heaven you must be baptized by a priesthood holder in the LDS church.
   
9. Priesthood holders of Men – Family is incredibly important as it is the central draw point of the faith. When they say “families are forever,” they literally mean that. That your marriage and children are literally forever if they are all found worthy and are “sealed”/married in the temple (that you became worthy enough to attend). More importantly a woman needs her husband to be worthy and to whisper her secret name to get her through the veil into the celestial kingdom, the place of eternal families. That’s why it’s so important for people to be found worthy and for marriages to take place.
   
10. Joy is only in the LDS church. That’s right. They teach that there is no joy outside of the Latter Day Saints church for anyone. That joy is to be found in the LDS church.

The Great Exchange – The Blessing

Now you might be thinking some of the above are bad or not bad depending on your own relationship with the LDS church. But now let me tell what you get in exchange for following the above rules. And they are good things (albeit through not so good means)

1. Relationships – Because all your time is invested in the church, and I mean all your time all throughout the week, the church becomes a culture. And because you have to be together, you are together, and relationships are the by product. Good relationships. True relationships. Godly relationships. This comes from being together all the time. This is the result of being strongly pressured and shamed if you don’t give all your time.
   
2. Purpose and further connection. Everyone is given a “calling” pretty much of where they are to serve. This is important as relationships in any facet of life are formed through service and accomplishing tasks together. These form the very best of relationships. As Mormons practice visiting teaching and helping others, they bond together at even deeper levels. And the bonds are real.
   
   But also the service gives a person purpose and meaning. They feel they are doing something good for God and that increases a person’s sense of worth. Purpose then becomes very much a part of connecting to the church.
   
   All churches encourage their people to be involved, but in Mormonism there is great pressure. It’s a part of being “worthy” enough and if you are not worthy, you might not get permission to go to the temple and subsequently be in the highest heaven and have an “eternal family.”. So you must serve to truly be worthy.
   
3. Mutual Striving for Morality – The LDS are very moral people and have very strong values. And because of the core emphasis on being worthy to attain to the highest levels of heaven, they truly strive to live moral lives. That and if you don’t, in your “worthiness” interview to go to the temple, you will be expected to confess all your sins. So there truly is a desire and an effort to live righteously. Of course much of the motivation is to be “worthy” enough.
   
4. Strong emphasis on Family – Many are drawn to the emphasis on family. Families are encouraged to have family home evening once a week to play games and spend time together with their families. Families are highly important. So much so that the belief of having your family for all “time and eternity” is what is the draw for people in the LDS church.
   
5. Care for One Another – The LDS church will take care of you in your hour of need. When you are sick and in the hospital, members will visit you. If you get behind on your bills, if you are an active and worthy member, they will help you out. If a crisis occurs, they are trained to stockpile food to have at the ready for disaster. The LDS do this very well. And are to be commended for this. You just need to be a worthy, active, participating member.

So all these good things seem great. In fact so much so that mormon apologetics often talk about all the wonderful things they do (which is true). So where’s the rub?

The Great Exchange – When they Find The Truth

Many people find the truth in various ways. Some by reading the Gospel Topics Essays on the LDS website, others by truly thinking through the Book of Abraham issue, or other issues of the church history. But leaving is no small thing.

Do you remember that I said that this is the “Great Exchange” and that the blessings are dependent upon the rules? Let me expound on that. Which will help show you why it is so hard to ever leave the Mormon church no matter what they learn about it. If you find out that the church isn’t true (as in it preaches a false gospel), then here are the consequences.

1. Your Purpose in Life – Mormonism is not just something you do on Sunday. It is a culture. A way of life. If you leave it, you have nothing left. Your whole world has collapsed. It has been the center of all your time, your service, your thoughts, etc…
   
2. All your Relationships are Threatened. Because the LDS church requires all your time and service during the week, all your relationships are there. Good relationships. And if you were to find out that the church isn’t true, to leave isn’t just leaving a church, it is leaving everything–your friends, your family, your social circles. Every significant person in your life. In fact, not all but in many wards, they are taught not to associate with you if you leave.
   
3. Your Salvation is at Held Over You – If you ask too many questions, you are threatened with excommunication which is not just from a church, but in the LDS understanding of the centrality of the church, it is saying that you are losing your salvation. So you can’t question things. Same if you read “anti-Mormon” literature. You are discouraged and then threatened. And if somehow you are wrong in what you discover, it’s your salvation being threatened. To leave Mormonism is to leave salvation (according to the LDS organization)
   
4. Your marriage is threatened – If together you are active and faithful and one of you considers leaving, your marriage is in jeopardy. This is especially true if it is the husband who leaves. I’ve listened to multiple testimonies where a woman is told that if her husband leaves the church, then he is not an a worthy priesthood holder. He therefore cannot get her “through the veil” into the celestial heaven. So what this means for her is that his leaving is jeopardizing her eternal placement but even moreso, her “eternal family.” As in, she will not get to see her family in heaven. The consequences are horrendous.
   
5. You are taught that salvation is LDS or not at all. In fact, they teach very strongly, “If the Mormon church isn’t true, nothing is true.” It’s why so many who have discovered through the church’s history that it is not true that they turn to atheism. They can reject many of the lies that the church teaches, but after they leave, they still believe this one to be true.
   
   Worse, in Mormonism doctrine everyone basically goes to heaven, it’s just a matter of which heaven. The only ones who don’t go to heaven but to “outer darkness” (hell) are those who were Mormons but have left the church. That means someone has to consider seriously whether to leave or not. Get it wrong and you go to hell (in their teaching).
   
6. Gaslighting is Rampant for those Leaving – If you are not worthy you are looked down upon. If you begin to leave, they will tell you that you have “lost your joy.” Or made to feel bad if you talk about any problems. I listened to an ex-communication story of where he was accused of just “wanting to leave to write a book and make money.” Which translates, they want to make sure you don’t write a book and tell the world about what is really being taught. And also more commonly, “they leave the church but can’t leave it alone.” Which translates, if you do leave don’t be like “them” who leave and talk about the issues in the church at all. Just stay quiet. These methods have been very, very effective.

These things aren’t small things. If you are being threatened to lose your sense of purpose, all your friends, your salvation (supposedly), potentially your marriage, your position of respect, etc.. It’s a heavy cost. Especially when the “blessings” are so good. But those blessings are perpetuated by the control over your lives — your time, your service, your ability to freely think and question, etc…

So in summary, it’s obey the rules and we will be good to you. But if you disobey the rules and actually discover the teachings and history of the church and want to leave, you will lose it all and will go to outer darkness (“hell”), etc… To leave will cost you everything you know and love.

The Other Costs – The Cost of Staying

But there is also a cost to following the rules. More than just the above. It is the cost of staying.

1. Exhaustion – Because all your time is to the organization of the church, there really isn’t much time for your own family. Yes, there is family night, but even that has expectations. But many a parent is burnt out trying to do it all. Especially the women upon whom are so heavily burdened with the expectation to be perfect wives and mothers.
   
   And there isn’t time to pursue much of your own interests. You are BUSY for the church and any time left you are exhausted. It’s so ingrained in culture that they are proud of it. It’s sad that they don’t know the gospel of Jesus and the actual grace (not Mormon grace) that the Bible teaches.
   
2. Worthiness and Shame – Someone may think that being worthy is somehow attainable. But the honest at heart will get it. We just cannot overcome the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life. To attempt to do so goes against everything that Jesus taught. Or why he came. But because that lie in the LDS church is still perpetuated, so many live in deep shame. Suicide and mental health issues are very high in Utah for a reason. In fact Utah has some of the highest suicide rates in the nation. If they only truly knew what Jesus taught, not through what Mormonism tells them to believe, but through what Jesus actually says.
   
3. Barred from the Truth of the Biblical Jesus & the Gospel – The early LDS prophets said to measure the teachings of Joseph Smith against the Bible, but when you compare the two, you see they are completely opposite and diametrically opposed to one another. Now the LDS will read the New Testament and not think so. That is because they are taught how to understand the Scriptures in light of Mormon doctrine and oftentimes not in light of the Biblical context, letting the Bible speak for itself. It can become very confusing for them to get “untangled” from the Mormon interpretations of the Scripture.

Summation

Here’s the exchange. As long as you give us all your time, your service, your thinking then in doing those very things you will receive friendships, purpose, be around moral people and have a sense of belonging. Just one thing. Don’t ever break the rules. Don’t. Because there will be terrible consequences to pay. We will help you but it will cost you everything (and it is not a Biblical everything).

But there are the 1/100 that actually do want to think for themselves. They want to know why they believe and why it matters that they are Mormon and not Muslim or Hindu or atheist. But the LDS church does not allow such questions to be asked. Which is sad because in the Bible it says to “prove” and “test” your faith.

Yet there are those who want the truth even if it costs them everything. These are the heroes. They have the courage to investigate their own faith, even if they have to do so in secret. (If that’s you LDS, check out the Gospel Topics Essays on the LDS website (here) or the book Rough Stone Rolling by an institute director – here).

Generally speaking though the LDS stay without questioning much. They don’t question. They put their doubts “on a shelf.” Or they quote a bunch of Scripture from the Bible but out of context. The blessings are just too good and it’s just too devastating to think about leaving.

Thankfully for some, that shelf eventually breaks. But will they go to atheism? Or will they find the truth? Not just about Mormonism but about the real Jesus in the Bible? That’s the important question.

This then is how we should pray.

God, break shelves. Create thirst for truth. Give them courage to seek it. And may that at the very least come to know who you really are as found in the Scripture and now just what they are told to believe. Do a mighty work in this beautiful peoples.