Paul upheld singleness as a virtue in order to separate oneself to serve the Lord more fully. At different times in history, this has also rang true. Amy Carmichael, the great missionary to India, would not take on any staff that was not single. In the 1800’s and up until 1940’s in the US, a teacher of children could not be married.
The pendulum has swung the opposite way and singles now are often the outcasts. They often become the problem to be solved by others.
In the first century framework, Paul is responding to a question they asked about marriage, singleness, and sex.
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
This may sound strange. But remember that there were not chapter divisions and verses in the Bible. This wording comes right after the discussion of people uniting themselves with prostitutes to have sex. Implied within it was that that sexual relations was somehow how a “need” for that part of the body. But the Scriptures advocate for self-control instead of immorality. Paul goes on.
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband (v. 2)
Sexual immorality abounded and it was a real temptation. Therefore, Paul says that because of the abounding immorality, get married. Sex is for marriage and if someone is struggling with self-control, they should marry.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband (v. 3)
Within marriage, spouses should give themselves to one another.
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does (v. 4).
Important, oftentimes people stop at the first part – a husband has authority over the wife’s body. But the opposite is true also. A woman has authority over her husband’s body.
What is being taught here is that our bodies are not our own, they belong to ourselves and to our spouses. There is a respect on both sides for oneself, and respect for the desires of the other.
This verse has often been used to abuse, dominate, and coerce a spouse into sex and spousal abuse when she is unwilling. This is not the intent of this passage. It is about offering yourselves to one another, but not at the sacrifice of one’s own cself-ontrol and will of their own body. The woman can say no to her husband as she has “authority” over her husband’s body. And vice versa. Anything less is rape.
But within that, there is encouragement to offer oneself to each other, Notice there is free will in this. But also the admonition to participate in sexual relations.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (v. 5).
Paul is encouraging sex here. He makes the concession that if they wanted to devote themselves fully to prayer, and it is mutually agreed upon, then take a pause in the bedroom. But it is better to be sexually together so that temptation is reduced.
What if a wife/husband does not engage sexually? Isn’t there “authority” over the other’s body?
This is about agreement and free-will. Not coercion, manipulation, dominance, or control. If a person is not free to say ‘no,’ they are not free to say, ‘yes.’ Which means if they are being overpowered to have sex through emotional manipulation, weaponizing these verses, or threats of doing something or withholding something, then this is abuse. Not love.
A spouse has authority over their own body verse, and authority over the other person’s as well. A wife can say no. A husband can say no.
If a spouse refuses to give themselves sexually, it likely is a sign of underlying issues. It takes maturity to walk through these.
If a spouse does not engage sexually, does this justify one within the marriage finding sex outside of marriage? Or in porn? Or fantasy? Or in other things.
Not at all.
Self-control is a virtue. Self-control matters before marriage, and that does not end after one is married. Lack of sex is never a justification to sin before God.
Does it make it harder for some? Absolutely.
But there is not justification to go sin. It requires love and maturity to find the problem.
What about situations where there is erectile dysfunction in a man or the woman has a medical condition such as vaginismus making it very difficult? This still does not justify going out and uniting one’s body with another. Sex is a desire, albeit a strong one, but not a need.
The Scripture here is teaching a respect of one’s own body, and a love for the one with whom your body is shared. Paul encourages sex in marriage to reduce temptation. It is not a right. It is not a demand. It is an admonition.